When i gave birth at 31 weeks.....

I had slept during C section.I was up all night worrying about my baby's survival.We were told the chances were very less.I didn't want to lose her. Conceived her after 5 years of trying.The taunts and insults one endures in Indian society is just crazy.I was so happy to have conceived her and now this.I had to have an  emergency c section in 31 weeks.Doctors thought atleast 32 weeks she had a chance.I heared a baby cry.I woke up, felt hopeful, crying is a good sign rt.The first glimpse i had of her was lying on the c section table, pumped with anasthetics.I made a nervous touch on her head and i remembered to do a small prayer and blessed her.I had heard that a mothers body goes through so much pain during delivery and so afterwards it is important for the mother to bless the child.Silly as it might sound at that time i had found it logical.So i did it anyways a prayer and a blessing never hurt anyone.I wanted to be very strong for her.She became everything..Her lungs had not fully developed and the pead there explained the next day that the wheeze sound i heard when i first saw her was not normal and it happened because my baby's lungs were not developed.Lungs are the last ones to develop in a baby.Had we had 3 days time she would be any other normal preterm baby.She was shifted to another hospital.My husband went along with her to the other hospital and i was shifted to the room.The three days that followed is pure hell.I was so hopeful that she will live and she will be fine, Contradictory to what the doctors expected.I was in my room and asked to look at the baby and my mom informed me that she has been shifted.I held my tears.Closed my eyes.Swore to myself i will be stronger than ever and reasoned with myself telling if i cry still nothing is going to change and i will not be able to think.i was constantly praying.If i had any conversation with anyone(very short ones) I reminded myself to go back to praying.I kept walking about the hospital and remember 3 occasions when i couldn't control and burst into tears.Always when i heard another new born cry.But i always reminded myself the need to stay strong.The 4th day morning i was discharged from the hospital and i went to where my daughter was.Place was utterly crowded, some people were happily chatting, some people were talking and some were very quiet.I stood there dazed, partly because of pain meds and partly because i was too exicted to have breakfast, partly beacuse of the overwhelming sadness that came when i thought i am having to wait to see my kid and suddenly a door opened and one guy read baby names and handed over papers.i didnt know what but when he said b/o priyaprabu i just put my hands out got the paper and figured it was medicines, the list was big with 2 sheets i saw some who had one sheets and just 2 things written.My husband went to the pharmacy along with other dads.Again the door opened and whoever was in the hall rushed towards the door i did too.A red coat was distributed and i got one and wore it and went inside, there was a wash basin and a kind lady saw me and told no jewels and i removed all my jewels put it in my purse and left it in a place where everyone put their bags and scrubbed my hands thoroughly.I couldn't wait to see my baby.Now another door opened everyone who has already scrubbed and has worn a red sterlized coat went in.I did too.I just looked around.Tiny babies everywhere.All in a glass box.I stood there and looked around.I didn't know which one was mine. I have never felt that worthless, useless and dejected in my life.I didn't want to stand there and cry but tears welling up already.I couldn't find my baby.A doctor came near me and asked me if that was my first time and i cold only nod and he asked my name i slowly said my first name out and didn't want to break down and cry which i knew i was about to do any minute now.He said come and walked and i followed him and he took me to this extremely tiny thing inside a glass box with 5 tubes sticking to her.He left me.I just stood there, wanted to hold her comfort her.I knew i was not allowed all that.She looked long and slender.Skin and bones.Weighed all of 1.5 kilos.I observed many prick marks and there is no controling tears anymore.I couldn't bear that this tiny thing is going through so much pain.I didn't realise the tears flowing down until i heared my husbands voice rt next to me telling come on don't cry be strong.That day we were not asked to go out from there even after visiting hours got over.I stood there for the next three hours.I am suffering because my lo is in so much pain.Then at the end of three hours a sister came and said doctor wants to talk to you.I went and saw the doctor and i was only controlling tears than actually listening.But it went through me when the doctor said, now her survival chances were better.it felt slightly better.We came out of the doctor's office an worked out the logistics.We found a hotel some 3 kms away from the hospital and expressed milk and went and gave her in the day time and went home at night and again came back in the morning.I didn't want to talk to anyone. Didn't want to see anyone.Didn't want to watch TV.Didn't want to eat but was exhausted at the end of the day that I didn't have trouble going to sleep.All the trips from home to hospital to hotel for every feed exhausted me.Not to mention the mental stress.I will not wish that upon my worst enemy.Days passed by and DD was getting better everyday and finally was out of the NICU and in the room with us for three days.Improved in weight and all and we went home 28 days after her birth.And yes this is the shortest possible version.Some where in the middle of this, she became my everything.I couldn't think outside of her.My life became just her and nothing else.And the first few months followed require a seperate post and so does the day that lead us to an emergency c section at 31 weeks.

An Ode to books.....

Reading habit should be cultivated in young minds...Whenever i hear this or something to the effect  i go crazy....really?why should it be cultivated...I think it should be banned it gives so much pleasure, takes you to another word, makes you forget all your worries.It should be illegal right?
When someone says they don't like to read i truly truly cannot comprehend it.How is it possible? If you don't like one book there are million others to try.Books are my journey to other worlds.I have traveled with the hobbits and roam the castle with harry potter gang and i have live in a faraway place where Barbara Cartland makes it come alive just for me alone and have had an adrenalin rush  with harry Bosch and seen the day of FBI agents with Catherine Coulter just with books.I can get myself into a completely different world(escapism) with just a flick of the wrist.I conceived my child now 2 and half years after 5 years of infertility treatments and a difficult pregnancy  Complete Bed rest through pregnancy and how would i have gone through it without books.When my girl was just a little baby, I read her chronicles of narnia...My voice was enough for her.I was scared may be she won't like books and lose the best fun on earth.But so far so good.She's interested in her board books now.And i guess(can only guess at this point) that she understands the possibility of books taking her to new worlds.I see the dreamy and thoughtful eyes when I tell her a story and i thank my own mom(who's also a reader) for introducing me to books and my father(reader too) for getting me my first novel(Tamil : Ponniyin selvan) in spite of my mom's protest that I was too young for a big novel that size...Reading is a culture in our whole family except one of my cousins who thinks it is "uncool".I really have to probe her a little more and find out what her problem is.

Perfection and housework

All my life i grew up listening to my mom say abt something that is is perfect or not perfect etc.So my idea of good is perfect.All the time I try doing something, I want it to be perfect.If it is not perfect, then it is as good as zero.Nothing in between.I get disappointed because something is half done.So in when doing house work if i don't have the time, to fold  the laundry, i 'll wait till i get time enough(one stretch),because it will be half done and i have aversion to half done things.Laundry gets accumulated and the one stretch time needed becomes more and more and becomes more difficult.Now even if i have the time, i won't do it, coz the laundry to be folded looks like a mini mountain.But it has to be done anyways, i spend half a day of a nice week end day folding laundry.Now i absolutely hate folding laundry more than ever and this keeps happening.This is the normal in our house.I recently saw a website, where they said let go of your perfectionism.This came as a shocker, i actually had to read twice.Yes.After reading a while i gave in and wanted to try this new concept.Now before starting a thing, i think it doesn't have to be perfect, and true i do little, whatever i can.My house looks far better for obvious reasons.We have never in our life associated the word perfectionism with negative.But there it is.This woman from that website talks like it is an ugly word.Come to think of it, only when i let go of my perfectionism, i am happy with what i have done, rather than beating myself up for not getting everything done.All  though my life, when someone said i do something slow but very very clean, i felt so proud, now i understand that it means, u 'll not get much done in time...If you are a perfectionist, try to let go of your perfectionism and see yourself shine or to be exact, see yourself to be happy abt you.....

Marriage...

Marriage is like glass.It doesn't crack it shatters at the slightest disturbance and is never the same again.Some parents in ad verdantly, mess  up their kid's marriage very early.This happens in most families like a cycle.No difference there in caste, creed....educated,uneducated,rich,poor....There is some jealous stemming in every parents' (especially mothers') mind.But if they let it grow it becomes the poison tree and affects generations.First the parent set is affected.They fill their son's mind with rubbish abt his wife.Then comes a big fight and separation  Then the parents realize that their son actually need a woman in his life.So they get them back together but they always hold a loser's grudge against the girl.Now they think that girl is cunning because she made their son want her.So she gets all the secret(read bad) attentions of the in laws when the son is not around.Whatever then all grudges will go away ones the girl gets pregnant and promptly come back when she goes to her parents' place for delivery and then life goes on.Now the woman's mind is not much on the hubby.It's with the kid.So fights start coming up between them.Sure will come because al bad things  said about this girl by his parents comes into the guy's mind now.So it is upto the smart girls to tackle these things.But never in their lifes will the husband and wife frankly get to love each other.Who suffers is the kid who grow up with parents who have loveless marriage.I pity the kids and no one else...

/..I today(17 june 2012) read an article in  'The Hindu' newspaper in page 12....The article is titled My nagging wife, my doctor and a costly scan...(Actually first time my eyes read it as costy scam...).Once i read that article something to happened to us, actually to my daughter danced in fromt of my eyes...I wanted to write it in my blog, so that i could expose the danger we are in because we are illiterates as for as medical field is concerned...Yes!!! illiterates, have you ever been able to read anything a doctor?...No? illiterates we are right?

Good doctors and bad doctors :

So i 'll come to my story...After getting married and not being able to conceive a child i was worried  and  after 3 gynecologists telling nothings wrong but they would like to see me regularly...not to mention the scans that come on packages...One doctor's office said when i called that they had a dte only after  one and half months and they called me in a couple of months to let me know that they have a cancellation and if i went in right then they will be able to help me...nice business tricks...After 4 yrs of these ordeals, I finally found a doctor who found what the problem was and in a second and said if it was there then it has been there since birth and showed it to me too.I now figured that I was scammed all along but was happy to have finally found a good doctor, lost weight of 12 kg, got pregnant in her hands...The good doctor id Dr.Vidyamani...But my daughter was born preterm in 7 months and was shifted to KR hospital..Dr.Janaki Viswanathan saved my baby's life(My baby's ).These two doctors are like Gods in my life and I respect them and only because of people like them exist, doctors still are considered Gods by the public...I noticed that both these doctors have no ego...When my father in law thanked Dr.Janaki for saving the baby she showed her hands upwards saying God....
Then we took our daughter to Dr.J.Prakash...he is a very doctor too...but his the long waiting time in the middle of working day didn't work for us...So we now have started seeing Dr.Ratna, another good doctor too...

Support secularism.......

This riots in Assam are spreading to different states, even to the usually safe southern states.
The papers say that more than 16000 people have fled.I know north eastern people from restaurants, beauty parour and a road side momo shop....All these people make a honest living and are hard working...They are very professional...Why is this happening?...I can't see the kids(a brother and sister from the north east) selling their momos in the road side a juice shop is closed 'coz 2 kids who worked there are from the north east...Very polite kids...The girl selling momos is my little daughter's friend...My daughter calls her 'momos aunty' and loves to go to this momos shop.One day this girl came to me in the road and said hi and spoke to my daughter and explained to me that she knows my daughter from her regular visits to their momos shop with her father and i nodded and smiled and then after she left my 2 yr old(then one and half) pointed to her and said
"momos aunty"....I can't see them now, it's empty there it hurts to see that.I am wondering whether
they were frightened and left for their home town....Why should that sense of fright come to their minds....What did they ever do wrong to anyone...they are honest, hard working, friendly people who thought they were happy and safe and were making a living and my mind races to think how long is it before it happens to us...IS Bangalore Safe anymore? Is any place safe at all? I can't imagine this place being not safe for anyone?Makes me wonder if secularism is the way?Does India need a religion? 

Bragging....... abt my little one...

My little one is my life and her name is Prarthana...Yeah she was born by prayers i think...After 5 years of trying and praying and bargaining with God I got her...I was so desperate for her to happen i prayed i will put turmeric and kumkum in every step of the Tirumala hills....And that's not the only bargain i made and i am blessed with a cute little angel...

She is a preterm kid...born in 7 months...and was hospitalized for 28 days...exactly today two years ago she came into this house, just 1.5kg just bones covered with skin but a very active baby...That was the happiest day in my life...cos i am getting my little princess into my house but mostly because my girl's ordeal ended...Ordeals like the daily blood draws and the constant drip of something... and the incubator... loneliness... yeah lonely cos we were only allowed twice in one day and that too were not allowed to stay long... i don't know how difficult it was for her and hope she doesn't remember that trauma...But i will not forget it until my last breath for sure...

The day i was discharged from my hospital i went straight not to home but to the hospital were my daughter was and i went inside the NICU (only one parent is allowed at a time) and i almost cried when i cudn't locate my baby out of the 24 babies... mothers rushed to their babies just as soon as the doors opened and went in and was blinking looking around...and a very helpful duty doctor rushed to me and asked if it was my first visit and asked my name and walked me to my baby and told me i can touch her, talk to her and i gently touched her and i was standing there for an hour....
Then everyday we wake up at 5.00, my mom pack my lunch and me and hubby left home at 7.00 in the morning, went to the hospital then stayed in a hotel room(not allowed to stay in the hospital) making trips of 3 km every 3 hrs for every feed and finally after the evening visit at 6 to 7 we head home and reach home by 8 or 8.30 depending upon traffic and between this from time to time there will be some kind of scare...now on my sweet little thing will be just with me..

Strictly no visitors...Every feed with mothers feed plus lactogen and she 'll be asleep and have to wake her up which is the worst part, wash her dress by hand by myself, the cleaning, sterilising, bathing the baby and to look back i don't know how i handled this at all.....God i guess...Then so many things like colic, urinary tract infection and a Voiding cysto urethrogram with general ansthesia she went through so much...

But she is the most active and happy baby i have ever encountered...She is the smartest among kids her age...She is 2 and can identify all colors, and say numbers upto 15, couple of rhymes by heart and can identify alphabets upto 'G'(i taught only upto G)...we don't force her to learn anything.....yeah and she also knows to say things for fun and scare me...like if i say there is a lizard there don't go then she 'll go near that place and come running to me coming to tell me that lizard bit her....and if i am scared she 'll laugh like anything...