I had slept during C section.I was up all night worrying about my baby's survival.We were told the chances were very less.I didn't want to lose her. Conceived her after 5 years of trying.The taunts and insults one endures in Indian society is just crazy.I was so happy to have conceived her and now this.I had to have an emergency c section in 31 weeks.Doctors thought atleast 32 weeks she had a chance.I heared a baby cry.I woke up, felt hopeful, crying is a good sign rt.The first glimpse i had of her was lying on the c section table, pumped with anasthetics.I made a nervous touch on her head and i remembered to do a small prayer and blessed her.I had heard that a mothers body goes through so much pain during delivery and so afterwards it is important for the mother to bless the child.Silly as it might sound at that time i had found it logical.So i did it anyways a prayer and a blessing never hurt anyone.I wanted to be very strong for her.She became everything..Her lungs had not fully developed and the pead there explained the next
day that the wheeze sound i heard when i first saw her was not normal
and it happened because my baby's lungs were not developed.Lungs are the
last ones to develop in a baby.Had we had 3 days time she would be any
other normal preterm baby.She was shifted to another hospital.My husband went along with her to the other hospital and i was shifted to the room.The three days that followed is pure hell.I was so hopeful that she will live and she will be fine, Contradictory to what the doctors expected.I was in my room and asked to look at the baby and my mom informed me that she has been shifted.I held my tears.Closed my eyes.Swore to myself i will be stronger than ever and reasoned with myself telling if i cry still nothing is going to change and i will not be able to think.i was constantly praying.If i had any conversation with anyone(very short ones) I reminded myself to go back to praying.I kept walking about the hospital and remember 3 occasions when i couldn't control and burst into tears.Always when i heard another new born cry.But i always reminded myself the need to stay strong.The 4th day morning i was discharged from the hospital and i went to where my daughter was.Place was utterly crowded, some people were happily chatting, some people were talking and some were very quiet.I stood there dazed, partly because of pain meds and partly because i was too exicted to have breakfast, partly beacuse of the overwhelming sadness that came when i thought i am having to wait to see my kid and suddenly a door opened and one guy read baby names and handed over papers.i didnt know what but when he said b/o priyaprabu i just put my hands out got the paper and figured it was medicines, the list was big with 2 sheets i saw some who had one sheets and just 2 things written.My husband went to the pharmacy along with other dads.Again the door opened and whoever was in the hall rushed towards the door i did too.A red coat was distributed and i got one and wore it and went inside, there was a wash basin and a kind lady saw me and told no jewels and i removed all my jewels put it in my purse and left it in a place where everyone put their bags and scrubbed my hands thoroughly.I couldn't wait to see my baby.Now another door opened everyone who has already scrubbed and has worn a red sterlized coat went in.I did too.I just looked around.Tiny babies everywhere.All in a glass box.I stood there and looked around.I didn't know which one was mine. I have never felt that worthless, useless and dejected in my life.I didn't want to stand there and cry but tears welling up already.I couldn't find my baby.A doctor came near me and asked me if that was my first time and i cold only nod and he asked my name i slowly said my first name out and didn't want to break down and cry which i knew i was about to do any minute now.He said come and walked and i followed him and he took me to this extremely tiny thing inside a glass box with 5 tubes sticking to her.He left me.I just stood there, wanted to hold her comfort her.I knew i was not allowed all that.She looked long and slender.Skin and bones.Weighed all of 1.5 kilos.I observed many prick marks and there is no controling tears anymore.I couldn't bear that this tiny thing is going through so much pain.I didn't realise the tears flowing down until i heared my husbands voice rt next to me telling come on don't cry be strong.That day we were not asked to go out from there even after visiting hours got over.I stood there for the next three hours.I am suffering because my lo is in so much pain.Then at the end of three hours a sister came and said doctor wants to talk to you.I went and saw the doctor and i was only controlling tears than actually listening.But it went through me when the doctor said, now her survival chances were better.it felt slightly better.We came out of the doctor's office an worked out the logistics.We found a hotel some 3 kms away from the hospital and expressed milk and went and gave her in the day time and went home at night and again came back in the morning.I didn't want to talk to anyone. Didn't want to see anyone.Didn't want to watch TV.Didn't want to eat but was exhausted at the end of the day that I didn't have trouble going to sleep.All the trips from home to hospital to hotel for every feed exhausted me.Not to mention the mental stress.I will not wish that upon my worst enemy.Days passed by and DD was getting better everyday and finally was out of the NICU and in the room with us for three days.Improved in weight and all and we went home 28 days after her birth.And yes this is the shortest possible version.Some where in the middle of this, she became my everything.I couldn't think outside of her.My life became just her and nothing else.And the first few months followed require a seperate post and so does the day that lead us to an emergency c section at 31 weeks.
